Fear

Simplicity Security Self

Another sunrise seen from my office window. Only this year have I become attached to the sunrise. It’s my favourite part of the day. The quiet calm, the utter clarity, the cold changing to warm. But for the past few weeks it has been seen from my office window. I do stop, and I do watch. I do clutch my coffee. We do what we do for what we believe matters. Financial security is why I’m here. Security for me and the ones I love. But I also do this because I’m not entirely sure what brings me true joy yet. Perhaps I do and I just have temporarily forgotten how to unlock the joy because of how overworked and tired I am.

The thought crosses my mind that I am doing what I do to provide the next opportunity. But there is only the now, and this thought seems at odds. Our world is changing at a rapid rate. Each large organisation is contracting, squeezing, and breathing out. The question quickly becomes: what is my place in all this?

What do I value, and what value am I? A boy’s gotta eat, yet we only get one ticket to this ride.

I had a few pints last night with a few old friends. I showed up exhausted: meeting a 5pm deadline that day, and finishing a major project in the days prior. I assume that the major project will get faster with practice, as everything does. But that has been my life. Day job, write. Night job, write. And now, not without the obvious sense of irony; my therapy, write.

The sun rises, I am in my office, it’s Saturday. We spoke last night of meaning, of value. We spoke of inspiration, pain, the value of travel, and our current projects.

I feel fortunate to have friends that, from the outside, appear as completely different people, living completely different lives. By all accounts we shouldn’t know each other on face value. One a family man, through and though. One a musician and creator, through and through. And me, from the outside, a slightly manic, legalistic writer.

But this is why our conversation held such high value. Despite our utterly different lives, we all held similar beliefs. That of a strong sense of Self. Sure the details differ from my meaning. It is only natural. But we spoke of something that sticks. Something I have not yet explored.

We must let go of fear, before we can be happy. ‘What is on the other side of fear? I mean really, what is there? Failure? Maybe. But then you learn, put it behind you, and try again. So what is on the other side of the fear?’ he said.

‘Everything?’ I opined.

‘Fear holds the majority of us back. There is nothing on the other side’ in response.

I nodded in agreement. Although his view was that there was nothing on the other side of fear, and my mind jumped to everything, we were on the same page. His nothing - and I would hate to misinterpret - but his nothing represented the loss. Loss of Self, loss of time, loss of our resources, etc. For me, the other side of fear was everything. The forever valuable learning of Self, the opportunity of freedom of time, the discovery of internal resources. I believe they are the same, for all is nothing, and nothing is all there is.

This wall of fear; we build it ourselves. We build and it closes our mind. It is the wall that makes us doubt. It is the wall that each creative project, each attempt at something new, each new experience and risk; it is the wall they all must climb, so the higher the wall is built, the harder it is to explore the world and your place in it.

Don’t use your work to build a wall. Use your work to knock it down. Use it to provide the resources to try things without fear. Find your passion. Then your wall will be gone and you can run away with everything in happiness.

Last night I decided to start knocking down the wall I’ve built over the last month or two. I am firmly deciding that I’m working this hard to try things, not to lay the next brick. I’m still searching for the next passion, and that’s ok, and I will try to remember to do so without fear.